Alma Calmada

It’s not that I don’t need you. I do, and always will because you’ve been through everything I will inevitably experience. What I ask is that you let me do what I can do right now, and let me make the choice of whether or not I need your assistance.

Trust me if I need it, I’ll ask for it. I just don’t need it right now.

My siblings would disagree with me, but I couldn’t be more sure that my parents cannot stand each other. It’s not just old age, it’s not simply differing views. It’s complete lack of consideration, respect, and affection for each other. There’s a resentment, a spitefulness, a darkness to their relationship, that is at least to me, incredibly obvious. Despite not being bound legally, they have stayed together. Possibly for us, their children, as well as for financial reasons and conformity.

I’m sure many people would think I’m crazy for saying what I’m about to say, but sometimes I wish my parents divorced and lived in different homes. I would give up the nice house, the comfort and the luxury we live in now to have an actual home. Both of them together in one space doesn’t make a home, it makes for a toxic environment full of negativity and cynicism. Although the struggle to live day to day would be very real if they divorced, I feel as though their mental states would be much more healthy. They would be happier.

Happiness isn’t only possible in the traditional way. So yes, I wish my parents hadn’t stayed together for us, for the convenience, to save face, to accomplish their material dreams…I wish they divorced.

But there is one thing they have taught me about relationships, and that’s what NOT to do. And aside from life it’s been the best gift they have given me. I’ve only been in two relationships in my 21 years of life, I’m currently in one of them. And quite frankly they’ve lasted more, and have been much healthier than the relationships of my peers. I’m not trying to boast, I’m just saying that I’ve learned there are certain things that make a relationship work. There are certain standards that must be met no matter what, and both my relationships have followed that.

If I continue to have relationships like these I have no doubt that my romantic life will be filled with positivity.

So I’m sorry mom and dad that your marriage didn’t turn out to be what you probably hoped it’d be but it’s made me set my standards higher, and so far it’s worked out.

I’m slowly starting to see where I want to go in life. I want to focus more on me. I love my family and friends but quite frankly the majority of them are looking out for themselves and only adding negativity to my life. Therefore, I’m going to start paving my own path. My considerations:

Refraining from any official responsibilities at church.

• I love my church, I love being a deacon, I love having responsibilities, but I need a break. By the end of this year I will end my term in the things I’m currently involved in. In the mean time, I’m going to consider other forms of spiritual growth.

Focusing on the arts

• At one point I was really into cross stitching, I’ve always wanted to learn how to knit, and I wanted to draw/paint. I think I deserve to spend this summer doing those things. So the minute I graduate I’m making sure I set aside time for that.

Reading…for fun

• I have so many books sitting in my room that I’ve been dying to read, but haven’t had the time. I even have textbooks I want to read over because they were SO interesting. So I’m narrowing down my book list to about 6-10 books for this summer.

Education

• I’ll be studying for the GRE, looking up grad programs, applying to grad programs, and applying to jobs/internships/programs that are in the fields I’m interested in. It’s time to choose a path for SURE!

Future Planning

• Once I get a full time job, because I WILL get a full time job, I’ll start saving. I’m going to make a plan to save enough money to move out. I’ll be wasting away a good chunk of money on rent every month but when the people you live with start holding you back it’s time to go. So I’m going to save, create a time frame, go apartment hunting, and then just go.

Express

• There’s a lot I don’t say for the sake of keeping the peace, and avoiding confrontation. But I realize people create conflicts, cause drama, and only think about themselves most of the time, so why should I bottle up my emotions. I think it’s about time I confronted my family about a few issues I’ve had on my mind, and just express my thoughts. I don’t expect it to end well but it has to happen at some point.

Relationship

• I’m going to enjoy my relationship, we take for granted the simple things in life. This summer I want to start focusing on those things. Quality time will be top priority.

I’m determined…

Thanks for reading.